Emails of SHIELD
by Kylen
Summary: Email - something we all use, though probably have a love/hate relationship with. S.H.I.E.L.D. is exactly the same way.
1. Chapter 1

_Author's Note: I need something fun to work on as I slog through trying to finish chapter 10 of Afghanistan, and I decided to try this format. This is NOT in the timeline I've created with Afghanistan, and is strictly Marvel movie-verse based. Such as, there are spoilers for Iron Man 1, 2, and 3, both Captain America, the Thor films and Avengers. Flames will be cheerfully ignored. Rated PG-13 for the occasional bad language and implied meanings._

* * *

Subject: Press conference

From: Nick Fury

Date: May 4, 2008, 4:45 a.m.

To: Phil Coulson

Phil, please remind Stark to stick to his briefing notes. This last week has been enough of a cluster already without the man's monumental ego stepping into play.

-Nick Fury

Director, Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division

* * *

Subject: Re: Press conference

From: Phil Coulson

Date: May 4, 2008, 4:46 a.m.

To: Nick Fury

Yes, Nick. Of course, Nick. Whatever you say, Nick.

-Agent Philip "One Good Eye" Coulson

The REAL director of SHIELD

* * *

Subject: Re:Re:Press conference

From: Nick Fury

Date: May 4, 2008, 4:47 a.m.

To: Phil Coulson

Phil,

What the HELL?

-Nick Fury

Director (YES, DIRECTOR) Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division

* * *

Subject: Re:Re:Re: Press conference

From: Phil Coulson

Date: May 4, 2008, 4:48 a.m.

To: Nick Fury

Director, my apologies. Password hacked. Three guesses as to who - and the first two don't count. Yes, Stark will be given his notes, and yes, he will follow them. I've constructed a plausible cover story, and hopefully a full night's sleep will improve his mood.

This isn't my first rodeo. Sir.

Sincerely,

Agent Philip Coulson

Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division

* * *

Subject: Re:Re:Re:Re:Press conference

From: Nick Fury

Date: May 4, 2008, 4:50 a.m.

To: Phil Coulson

Thank you, Phil. I'll consider which shit duty those two get while Stark sleeps.

And don't call me 'sir.'

-Nick

* * *

Subject: Sleeping

From: Phil Coulson

Date: May 4, 2008, 4:51 a.m.

To: Nick Fury

Time of receipt: 1:50 a.m. PST.

Time of press conference: 8 a.m. PST.

-Phil

* * *

Subject: Press conference and rodeos

From: Clint Barton

Date: May 4, 2008, 4:51 a.m.

To: Nick Fury

CC: Phil Coulson

"Not my first rodeo," he says.

"Stark will follow his notes," he says.

"I. Am. Iron Man." STARK says.

Nat and I were quite amused, Phil.

\- Hawkeye The Mad Archer

Agent of the Alphabet Soup Division

* * *

Subject: Re:Press conference and rodeos

From: Phil Coulson

Date: May 4, 2008, 4:51 a.m.

To: Clint Barton

Barton, shut up. I've got bigger headaches than you.

And change your signature back to something professional. Or else I might get involved in your shit duty for hacking me.

Sincerely,

YOUR DAMNED HANDLER


	2. Chapter 2

_Author's Notes: Shoutout to RodeoTown, CaraLee934, Sessh, Melissa, Agness, Guest, JAKKIE, alpha flyer, CyanB, penguincrazy, weemcg33, awkward hawk, Arlothia, deardiaries, angelofjoy and nonyvole for the reviews. Also, for people looking for chapter 11 of "Afghanistan," it is coming – slowly. Real life interrupted with three different job descriptions in the space of a month, so I've been working on it piece by piece._

_This is a little something to tide you over in the meantime. The chapter coincides with my planned Afghanistan timeline. Also, thanks to alpha flyer for beta-reading this on short notice tonight!_

* * *

Subject: New assignment

From: Phil Coulson

Date: April 28, 2002, 9:01 a.m.

To: Maria Hill

Agent Hill:

Should I be concerned that, when I asked Barton if he turned in the intake paperwork, he smirked and said, "Oh, I'm sure Agent Hill has received it"?

-Phil

* * *

Subject: Re: New assignment

From: Maria Hill

Date: April 28, 2002, 9:10 a.m.

To: Phil Coulson

I'm flattered you felt the need to follow up on the paperwork request to Probationary Agent Barton. However, I'm calling bullshit with you sending this email instead of coming to see me in person.

While I realize that both you and Director Fury believe this kid is the next coming of Christ, please believe me when I say "kid," I mean "KID." He turned his intake paper work in, all right – in CRAYON. And when I say crayon, I mean Barton must have gone out and bought a 64-pack, because there's more colors here than I can count. There must be at least ten different shades of purple in here – and yes, he used the white.

I realize that I'm dealing with a reformed circus act, but he was supposed to have been an Army Ranger after that. Could you possibly communicate that proper paperwork means doing it in pen, and annoying me shouldn't be his first goal upon rolling out of bed in the morning?

-Hill

* * *

Subject: Re: Re: New assignment

From: Phil Coulson

Date: April 28, 2002, 9:11 a.m.

To: Maria Hill

I'll have a word with him, and get you the paperwork done – in pen this time. But may I ask just what you did to provoke that response, Agent Hill? It normally takes more than a first meeting to set him off.

-Phil

* * *

Subject: Re: Re: Re: New assignment

From: Maria Hill

Date: April 28, 2002, 9:12 a.m.

To: Phil Coulson

Sure. Phil, I read your mission report from Afghanistan. This kid specializes in sarcasm ... and you think *I'm* to blame? You've got to be kidding.

-Hill

* * *

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: New assignment

From: Phil Coulson

Date: April 28, 2002, 9:13 a.m.

To: Maria Hill

We in SHIELD have no sense of humor we are aware of. Answer the question.

-Phil

* * *

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: New assignment

From: Maria Hill

Date: April 28, 2002, 9:14 a.m.

To: Phil Coulson

Nice job. Wasn't aware you were a Tommy Lee Jones fan, Agent Coulson. Almost laughed … almost.

Fine, I'll admit it. He came in wearing a "Hukd on fonix werkd 4 me" t-shirt, and I suggested he was no longer in kindergarten. I then referred him to the quartermaster for uniforms and told him that I expected the paperwork back with his name spelled correctly.

To his credit, his spelling was impeccable. But he used blood red for his name. Inside joke?

-Hill

* * *

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: New assignment

From: Phil Coulson

Date: April 28, 2002, 9:15 a.m.

To: Maria Hill

In a word: yes.

You'll have the paperwork done properly later today.

-Phil

* * *

Subject: Paperwork again

From: Maria Hill

Date: April 28, 2002, 1:30 p.m.

To: Phil Coulson

Agent Coulson –

Let me guess. You personally handed him the scented markers for this round.

-Hill

* * *

Subject: Re: Paperwork again

From: Phil Coulson

Date: April 28, 2002, 1:31 p.m.

To: Maria Hill

Agent Hill –

Scented markers? As in strawberry and banana?

-Phil

* * *

Subject: Re: Re: Paperwork again

From: Maria Hill

Date: April 28, 2002, 1:35 p.m.

To: Phil Coulson

And grape and apple and a bloody sharpie on top of it! And he spelled every third word like that meme that got circulated on reading comprehension. In short: my office now reeks AND I still don't have his paperwork.

You know what? How about you sit down and supervise him this time? I'd suggest watching over his shoulder the entire time. You, at least, I trust.

-Hill

* * *

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Paperwork again

From: Phil Coulson

Date: April 28, 2002, 1:40 p.m.

To: Maria Hill

Consider it done. I apologize for the inconvenience.

-Phil

* * *

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Paperwork again

From: Maria Hill

Date: April 28, 2002, 1:41 p.m.

To: Phil Coulson

…you're sitting over there laughing your ass off, aren't you?

Admit it.

-Hill

* * *

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Paperwork again

From: Maria Hill

Date: April 28, 2002, 1:41 p.m.

To: Phil Coulson

I neither confirm nor deny.

-Phil


End file.
